Is satisfaction possible?/Sexual Identity and Workshops?

[ganymedetroy]

Hey Everybody,

So I'm in my late 20s, bi, an autofellator, and in a wonderful straight relationship. I am also frustrated at my sexuality, and confused if satisfaction is even possible.

I started masturbating at 5 (which I think might be a huge root to the problem), repressed my sexuality for 2 decades because I wanted to be a priest and figured why bother exploring if you are going to take a vow of celibacy, but I ended up rejecting that path for several reasons. I had some hand/mouth fun with guys, but I tended toward unhealthy play environments. Additionally, always wanting a family meant I didn't really invest a lot of time exploring healthy male/male sexuality. Flip the coin, and I am pretty much where I want to be. I am in a really good straight relationship with a girl who I believe would absolutely freak out if I let on about my still brewing bisexuality.

So, to porn and my own mouth I go. I jack when I can, hate myself afterward, and life goes on without much of another worry. But, I don't think I am satisfied. It isn't that I want to have more sex with her, or to even go out and experiment with a him. However, when I have sex I feel like I should have something more. I have not had a great male male experience, and I hate myself for wanting to play around when I have a great g/f. When I masturbate, I can't help but worry about all the time I'm wasting. I feel like I am just spinning my wheels in regards to my sexuality.

There are a couple of workshops I've come across to help create a better awareness of male sexuality, such as body electric (http://www.bodyelectric.org/) and the garden of ian (http://www.thegardenofian.com/), and am curious. Has anybody tried this avenue, or feel similar?

-Ganymede Troy

[bugnstein]

Its taken me 5 years of subtle suggestions to my wife to finally let me be openly bisexual. I finally had my first gay experience and although it wasn't as good as I wanted, I felt no guilt or remorse. I'm now with my wifes approval seeking a fuck buddy. Dont deny what you feel. I have not tried any counceling but I feel so much better not hiding my desire for cock, mine or others.

[aleingang69]

I am really sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time, man - that it a complicated and confusing situation.
While there is some truth to Woody Allen's joke about bisexuality meaning you're twice as likely to have a date on a Saturday night (and to the idea that if you can suck your own dick you don't NEED a date on Saturday night), it's always going to be difficult for a man who has primary relationships with women to figure out how to integrate a desire for men into his life.
You CAN figure this stuff out for yourself and get what you need to feel fulfilled.

Sounds like maybe your religious upbringing is still influencing your attitudes around sex and relationships in negative ways? I hate to hear you - or anyone - talking about hating yourself after you pleasure yourself - these are some of the most important, profound personal experiences we can have and they can be wonderfully self-affirming.

I'd like to hear more about why you think early masturbation may be a root to your problems?

I've had relationships of various kinds with a number of men who are in relationships with women and it's always complicated. It sounds to me like you're always going to want to be with men, so it's always going to be a part of any relationships you might have with women - whether it's something you talk about or not. I have a sweet, ongoing lover relationship with a married man with teenage kids and it was only after more than a year of us getting together that he really talked about it with his wife. It's worked out really well - she was able to get to the point of understanding that it's not any deficiency on her part that drives his need for sex with men - it's just who he is and what he needs, in addition to his love and desire for her. It doesn't always work out that well, I know, but a relationship with something so major remaining unspoken is not ideal, right?

So - if you can get yourself to the point where you can talk with her about it (maybe with the help of a counselor) I think that'll be a huge help for you - articulating it for someone else can also be a huge help in getting it clear in your own mind too.

Workshops: I've done Body Electric workshops and they are GREAT - especially for a man who feels conflicted about his desires and needs. I'm friends with the founder of the Body Electric School, and my loft-mate is a local coordinator for them AND we do the workshops here in our home so they play a big role in my life. Helping men to realize their own erotic potential and to understand the role it plays in every aspect of their lives is a passion of mine and is also the mission of Body Electric so it's a great fit. If you have an opportunity to do a workshop you should do it - it'll change your life.

Don't give up hope, man - look into Body Electric and maybe find a good, queer-friendly therapist who can help you to work your way through this. We, as men, often feel that we need to be totally self-sufficient, but these forums are a good example of an important truth - it's important to have buddies (and sympathetic strangers) to help us to figure out how it all fits together

Thanks for reaching out!

Al

[ganymedetroy]

Thanks so much for the response. I'm considering as many options as I can. In the meantime things are good. I'll definitely look further into body Electric. Thanks for the insight.

[ganymedetroy]

I'd like to hear more about why you think early masturbation may be a root to your problems?

I have regularly masturbated since I was 5, and over all I think that my family did a good job mediating an understanding that it is not socially acceptable. It did, however, put me out of the loop with my own generation. I remember a conversation I had with a friend when he first brought up "jacking-off". I had at least 6 years head start on him, knew the masturbation, but had no idea what he was talking about. I had repressed it for so long, that I did not talk about it with friends. Additionally, I had used up most of my girl fantasies, and combined with a new church based understanding that even thinking about women sexually was a sin, turned my personal sexual time to consider other guys.

So, I'm in this great relationship now, but I find that I am very timid about explaining my wants, not just for possible male-male exploration, but even for her. Its like I can't get myself to say, "I need you now". I play almost exclusively by her schedule, hoping that my occasional jokes will strike a nerve and get her in the mood. I feel like I can't make a sexual statement, and can't cope with my own sexual desire. I also almost wonder if it would have been better to have had a male-male relationship with some older guy when I was younger so that I could learn the language, know what it is like to be on the receiving end when dealing with the desires inherent in a man.

-Peter